over and over... and over

Does anyone ever feel like their head is banging against a wall? You want things to change but in reality, there is nothing you can do? (And this time, there really is nothing I can do.)

Purgatory. A place or state of temporary suffering or misery.

This is where I sometimes feel like I am living. I am stuck. In a general sense, things are good. But when I delve deep into myself, things are just stuck. Oh, there is movement. It is only seemingly to move side to side or backward instead of forward. I feel like I am drained lately. My hands are figuratively tied behind my back and there isn't a thing I can do to encourage things along. I dislike that I at times really don't like someone... the word hate has come across my tongue against this person. I often tell my own kids that hate is too strong a word to use for someone.... you can not like what they said, or how they handled something but "hate"? Too strong a word.

Sadly, lately, I hate someone. I truly do not like this person. I wonder what this person is thinking of.. what is this person's intent? What was this person thinking? Were they thinking? What about the kids? Do they matter? Does it matter what they did to get to this place? Can this person ever acknowledge that they made a mistake? Can this person ever own the fact that they broke the moral code? Why is this person do bitter? Difficult? MEAN?

Why? Why? Why?

But the real question is for myself. When will I feel that free, releasing emotion again? When will it be over? The difficult part is that I have NO CONTROL over this. I cannot make the calls, stand up for what is right, "be the bad parent" by making rules and holding people accountable... only the other person can. It's tiring.

I want to feel the happy feeling when I wake up again. I felt that a year ago. I just woke up and felt happy. I had a genuine feel good feeling in my heart. But I miss that.. I haven't felt in a while.

Please come back.